I have pretty much come to the conclusion that my life is extremely unfulfilled and just down right pathetic and sad. Sure I am in a self created hole but I would figure by now with the therapy and the drugs I would be going on the up swing.
No, not really.
I've pretty much destroyed whatever happiness I could potentially have because I can't get out of the rut I am in. I walk around in my skin, in my life pretty much a drone. I get up, go to work, work my ass off, go back to my room, eat and sleep. Rinse and repeat. I avoid people at all cost and I just don't care about much. What I do care about are the stupidest things and I am making a great deal of stupid decisions.
Most of all, I feel so out of place. I feel like I am making all the efforts in the wrong direction but somehow that is where I want to go. I feel unappreciated by my job and by life in general. I feel like I have spent so much time, money and effort to be where I am now only to find out its not where I want to be and how much it sucks to be where I am. And now I am enslaved by it. I feel like I have lost everything that defined me only to enslave myself in a ideal, a vision of something that is not real. In this life there is no substance but rather a vapor of what something.
I know what I am doing with my life is wrong but that is what I want to do. It's the only thing I feel I should do. Because everything that I have done so far that is suppose to be right has gone wrong.
I told you this is not Roses and Daisies.
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1 comment:
Much love to you when you need it most. Life is tough for you right now - work, personal, etc - but it will get better. As unbelievable and cheesy as it sounds, it really will. I speak from experience in saying that just when things seem to be at the pinnacle of bleakness, that's right about when the sun breaks through. Sometimes it happens literally as well as figuratively, which is always neat to watch. Remember how we had three or four weeks of rain and gloom? It seemed like it would never really end, and the sun was just a memory. Then one day, there it was, refreshing everything around us and bringing in new life.
This city does strange things to people. It puts them in spirals much like the one you are in now, only to bring them out the other side stronger and a better person for it.
Besides well wishes for you, all I can offer is that infamous Churchill quote, one that helps me during the worst times:
"When you're going through hell, keep going."
Good luck, ma'am.
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