I always find myself saying "I just don't know what to do..." But someone made me realize that I do know what to do, its just that I don't want to act upon it.
I am finding myself to be in a serious self-conflict; the one situation that I am in brings both the most wondrous form of happiness but at the same time tremendous about of pain. Yes, that can happen and I am living it in about 80% of the time. The 20% is the denial of it or pretending that its not there, nothing is happenng, everything is fine.
This form of happiness is nothing I have ever felt in my life, the joy of it sometimes brings me to tears and sometimes makes me do the stupidest, if not silliest, things. It can also sometimes blind me to make me appear even foolish. And the worst part, it involves my heart. That just means it something I can't control. But this happiness has no permanence and it like a rare cool breeze in the Sahara: its only feels good when it comes your way but when it heads towards someone else, you cry for its return.
When I don't have this for of happiness, it cause uncontrollable pain. Normally I can usually hold out or work through it but for some reason this time around it leaves me weak. And it makes me cry. Ridiculously.
I know that in the end I will have to let this happiness go if it continues to bring me such pain. Because at some point it will break me to the point of beyond measure, leaving unable to feel the happiness, just leaving me sad, angry and possibly bitter. Either that or I really, really learn to live and deal with the duality of this. Take the happiness with the pain without breaking myself.
As you are reading this you could be saying to yourself "What the fuck is wrong with her??" And to be honest I don't expect anyone to understand. This is a personal conflict. I only write this so that some how sort out as I am writing this.
But even in writing it still doesn't sort out or help me find the courge to do what I need to.
Back to square one.
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Im sure you have seen this before, but I don't think anyone has ever put into words more eloquently the cost of love on our emotional commodity.
The Prophet, on Love
by Kahlil Gibran,
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
breathe, girly. it's gonna be alright. someday.
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